October, you suck!

[ruyu]

I don't know if there is an official mid-term week for you guys...but in the Visual Arts Building (aka. the VAB buildings) we had ours this past week and this coming week. I'm about to rip my hair out. Us art students don't really have exams and finals, we have mid-term projects and portolio's due, painting to critique and Photoshop files to e-mail to my totally hot professor. *daydreams* I'll probably post a massive art dump when I get all my projects back...if any of you care about that sort of stuff.



>>>This is for my own personal, emotional rant. Please DO NOT READ if you know someone with cancer. I have warned you. 

I've never talked about this before on my journal. But I need to post this so I can come back and hate myself for it....God knows I deserve it. My Grandmother has cancer...for about 4 years. She is currently in her 3rd and final round of cancer. She started with rectal cancer and now has a colostomy bag. She then had a recurrence in her pelvic area and had all her urinary organs removed and now has a urostomy. A few months later, during which she had heart surgery to repare a hole in her heart, her doctors discovered lung cancer. I know this isn't a complete recount of what happened, but definitly the unfortunate highlights. Doctors have done all they can and even had her on an experimental drug along with kemo therapy. My Grandmother was not responding well to either the drug or the therapy and has decided to stop all the treatments and order to last through Christmas and maybe longer. I feel, and have felt for a few years now....detatched. I watch my whole family struggle with this and I can't help but feel like I am just standing to the side and watching it happend. I feel horrilbe in my isolation. I just want some relief - for my grandfather, my family and myself. My twin sister and myself were very close to her when we were raised and continued to remaine so until I entered highschool and my grandfather underwent surgery to have a pacemaker put into his chest. Once my grandfathers health was insured my mother had my grandmother get checked out and well....you know the rest. Life since then has been...life: unpredictable and unexpectedly harsh. I've watched my grandmother suffer and just want her to have...relief from her pain and just be happy again, even if that means she dies. I hate to watch her suffer and I feel awful when I say I will be happy to see her pass. I just...can't do this anymore...waiting and....witnessing the pain. It hurts, but I don't cry. It hurts when I push all that pain and all those tears into my chest and hold them in. When my aunt called my mother and told her about grandmother not making it until christmas, my mother cried...but I did not. I felt so bad...because I had to tears to cry. God this hurts.  

 

Comments

[madrona-8.livejournal.com]

You know, you shouldn't feel bad for wishing her pain to go away. That's really what you are wishing.
I know it's probably sounds cliche, but perhaps some counseling would be in order for you. Where I live we have a place called "The Centre for Living with Dying." Look the the pdf files here:http://www.billwilsoncenter.org/thecentre/resources.shtml

I'm sure your school has a resource for you. Perhaps you can use them.

[ruyu.livejournal.com]

Thanks...really. I'm trying to deal with this. Those documents were very helpful. You're right, I haven't looked into my school resources...I will.

[eadwine63.livejournal.com]

you know, I cry for various reasons. But when something like this happens, I can't either. I hold it in too. I know it hurts, but the only solution is to search someone whom you can talk to and just let yourself cry. It's not bad or selfish to cry.
Someone in my family is also sick. He had a special form of anemia. He has had a few bone marrow transplants and lots of chemo therapy, but he's still sick. Now the illness has changed into leukemia. Recently he had his last chemo and he will receive another transplantation if all goes well. If there goes something wrong again, he has 3 till 6 months left, until he dies.
I think I can imagine what it feels like for you. Of course I cannot fully comprehend, it's different for everybody.
But I wish you and your family much support.

[ruyu.livejournal.com]

*meep* Thank you.

I really don't have a problem crying...it's just...when I look at my mother and see her cry, I feel like I have no right to cry when she is obviously suffering more than I am. I not ready to talk about it...out loud at least.

I am sorry for your family member...I hope all goes well!!

I think me and grief need to get reacquainted with each other before the year is out.