3AM and I must be lonely...

[ruyu]

☂
I almost hate the part of myself that likes to be alone. Not the "I need my alone time" kind of time, but the kind where just seeing more than three people in a room feels like too many. I don't even like to be with my family that much. I just already know what's going to happen when I walk into a room: everyone will awkwardly say "hi" to me and then not really say much else the rest of the evening. Not because they don't like me, but they know I'm shy and don't speak very much - even around my close family. I hate it. When I do speak, I feel like they think I'm odd and then I end up feeling stupid for even saying anything. I really, really hate it.

I told my mother today that she was the only person who could make me feel guilty about being sick. I was picking up my medicine and she was mocking about how horrible my cough is like I was only pretending it was that bad. My little sis (17) gets pissed at practically anything I say or anything I ask. I've given up on pleasing her at all. Asshole. Pff. The only person who really takes me like I am is my dad, God love him. He pats me on the head all the time (which I secretly love and will never tell him) and asks me if I'm feeling okay after I get off work. He asks me how my day was - everyday and I want to hug him just for asking. He offers to get me things if I'm sick or really busy with school. He's the best dad ever. My mom is great, really, but she offends me a lot without ever even knowing it. But then again, most people do that too.

God, why can't I go to sleep?

Comments

[winteraconite.livejournal.com]

You know, I can totally relate to the first half of your entry. I get the same treatment: awkward greetings and just that, if anything. I've always felt like such an outsider within my own family--cousins, aunts, uncles and the like not my immediate family (thank goodness). I feel like I'm two different people with my friends and relatives. It drives me up the wall. But there's no helping it. We don't get to choose our families. X.x

But you're dad sounds great. :)

[ruyu.livejournal.com]

I know. Christmas was so weird this year, 'cause I don't even like half of my relative.

Thanks for commenting, I feel better. ::smiles::

[bayrdsm.livejournal.com]

Yeah, sometimes I if I am around too many people I can't handle it; I am not fit for human company, enter lj.

I can't imagine feeling guilty about being sick...Don't listen to your mom!! I'm secretly petting you and coddling you and bringing you soup XD

[ruyu.livejournal.com]

Lol. Yes, LJ is appealing that way: large communities, minimal human interaction.

Oh, yes - I feel the guilt. And it's happened before on other occasions that I've been sick. *glares at parent*

Is secretly please that she is being petted and coddled, and is in love with the soup... XD

^__^ Thanks, sweety.

[bayrdsm.livejournal.com]

Of course darling! Things will be better XD
xoxo

[deathtocupcake.livejournal.com]

Ah, I know exactly what you mean with the first half. I don't like a lot of people. If I'm around people for too long I get really stressed out. Even with people I like.

I've felt guilty for being sick. My parents can make me feel guilty for anything. They did it to me so much when I was little that I can't make it through a day without apologizing for something that I shouldn't even be sorry for. So I know what you mean there too. XD

It's twelve where I live...this will sound odd but ty not thinking. Just close your eyes and let your mind go blank. That's what I usually try to do.

[ruyu.livejournal.com]

Haha, I took your advice and didn't even mean to - I ended up taking my cough medicine last night and pretty much passing out. It felt wonderful to go to sleep that quickly.

I apologize for everything as well! It bugs my dad how much I say, "I'm sorry," and he always replies,"there's nothing to be sorry about." ^^

It's nice to know so many of you guys share my distaste for large groups of people - makes me feel much better. XD